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Chelsea Clinton
Chelsea Victoria Clinton is the only daughter of Bill and Hillary Clinton. She's a smart girl, with a great personality and, umm, a "unique" look. Bless her. Early Life Chelsea was born February 31, 1980 to Bill and Rodham Hillary Rodham Clinton Rodham Hamrod Rodham in a dilapidated house on a chicken farm outside of Little Rock, Arkansas. This fact, however, was not immediately known to the citizens of Little Rock until Chelsea learned to walk on two legs. After being weened from Bullet, the family beagle, she was raised primarily on TCBY Yogurt and the hay that her parents begged off the neighbors. Most of the United States was unaware of her until her parents became house-hold names when her father, who had worked his way from chicken farming and "lady entertaining" to a manager of a McDonald's restaurant, became Governor of Arkansas. Arkansans quickly got used to seeing Chelsea out and about with her parents, dressed in a full-length dress and her designer brown paper bag mask. But the Chelsea enigma really took off when her father announced his candidacy for President. Even then, at the age of 12, the circumstances of her birth were clouded by uncertainty. Her mother, Hillary, was a known lesbian and thought to have had her uterus removed during a failed gender reassignment operation. Meanwhile her father, routinely found his sexual needs sated in the company of prostitutes and crack whores. It was later explained in an emotional and tearful segment on 60 Minutes that Hillary became pregnant after accidentally rolling over in bed onto a pool of her husband's naughty juice left behind after he had finished choking the chicken. Life in the White House Life in the White House was not easy at first for Chelsea. Upon the family's initial arrival then-President Clinton was forced by the Secret Service to house Chelsea in a specially made barn until DNA testing revealed that she was not a pony, but indeed a human child. Concerned with her psychological well-being, she was insulated from public schools and was, instead, taught by butlers and maids in the basement. There she fared well, making friends with the White House staff, including a plump plucky young intern named Monica Lewinski. Chelsea and Monica became close friends, swimming in the Presidential pool and relaxing in the sauna. After the Presidency, butler Quimby McCallister chuckled that the staff thought it was cute how, when her father was not around, they would sneak into the Oval Office to steal cigars from him to see if he noticed. Eventually, President Clinton did notice, but brushed it off as childish pranks and even, on one occasion, offered Monica one from his "private collection". It wasn't all fun and games, however. During the God-appointed Congress' holy mission to impeach her father for lying to a Grand Jury, she fell into deep depression and began going out to party at local clubs with Monica. After a famous arrest, she was sent to the Galapagos Islands for rehabilitation amid the sea turtles with a Haitian Shaman. After two weeks of voodoo rituals involving the drinking of goat blood and horse urine while walking over hot coals, she was allowed to return to her home in Washington, D.C. Graduation and Later Life After her high schooling was complete, Chelsea was ready for college and went on to garner good grades that allowed her to take a job working for the hedge fund Screw Poor Americans Inc. With her father having now completed two terms as President and her mother, Rodham Hillary Rodham Clinton Rodham Hamrod Rodham running for the position herself, the future couldn't seem brighter. Chelsea now resides on an island off the coast of Taxachusetts where she terrorizes the locals. However, she still tries to see her father as often as possible. And during the 2008 Presidential election she toured with her mother, helping to promote her bearist liberal agenda.